Sometimes I Doubt Myself
Sometimes I doubt myself.
Maybe I struggle because I’m just not good enough.
Maybe I overestimate my abilities.
Maybe all I am is a mixed-heritage girl from a rural backwater, comprehensive school and peer led, informal music education, with silly designs to be like the ‘big boys’.
Who on Earth do I think I am? That I could thrive within let alone change the classical music industry? Me?!
These thoughts - these deeply held beliefs - used to SINK me.
For years I felt I was drowning under the weight of them, my talents muddled, my desires and my dreams quashed.
I told myself, no matter how good I was, I would never succeed - my definition of success being earning a living from writing music.
Now, after three years of intensive unravelling of these clinging thoughts as weeds, I know better.
The flicker of ‘maybe I’m just not that enough’ came into my head this morning as I looked at other composers’ successes.
It didn’t last.
I shoved that shit away with an almighty kick, and threw some fire balls to burn it up on its way out.
How dare I doubt my unique self? How dare I take the challenges of the world and put myself at the root cause of them?
I am worth so much more than that!
Fourteen of my scores are stocked in the libraries of six of the best, world-class music conservatoires and universities.
I have received repeat commissions from BBC Radio 3.
I’ve currently got three commissions on the go and am booked up until June.
I am funded by PRS Foundation’s Women Make Music.
I was one of 450 Women of The Year in 2021.
I have been quoted by The Hollywood Reporter.
And in January I had my highest ever earning month.
Fuck me if I’m going to doubt myself.
These struggles aren’t unique to me, but underrepresented composers have further to go.
We’ve been told all of our lives that we don’t fit in and that we have to prove ourselves triple in order to be valued.
If you are fed up of taking patronising handouts disguised as commissions for exposure or "emerging composer" fees;
If you're fed up of paying to enter competitions, or writing music for free;
If you want to be recognised for the talent that you have;
If you want to live off the proceeds of your work;
Then work with me over three months on my mentoring programme.
Over nine sessions, we will:
Create the foundations for solid self-belief
Focus on what makes you tick and what success looks like to you
Formulate and put into action plan for the direction you want to move in
Rounded up with composition tuition and support
And if you are already successful, consider sponsoring a place for an marginalised composer to do all of the above.
Book a call today to see if this is for you.
Links
To listen to my podcast Beyond the Chameleon, click here.